I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.