I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
I have a yeast infection.