By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
did i walk over a car last night?
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I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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