So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
