What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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