My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
