I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
