a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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