Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
