Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
