I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
