Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
