I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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