I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
