dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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