I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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