I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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