Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
God I need to hump something, right now.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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