Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
