it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
