it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
