allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
home. puking in laundry basket.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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