I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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