Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
