do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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