i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
