Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
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