Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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