I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize
