I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
