Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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