Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Randomize
