you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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