She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
