Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
from now on my penis is your penis
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize