apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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