I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
