I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
