I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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