The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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