the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So squirting runs in the family.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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