Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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