NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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