a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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