If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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