The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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