new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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