I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
