why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
we made out on top of his cat.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Randomize
