My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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