i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
