My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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