did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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