you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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