dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
