UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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