just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
