so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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