I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
